by Doc – Owner, Founder, Mysteriously Found Dead In His Apartment With the Only Clue Being Large Quantities of Melted Custard and Ice Cream Drizzled Over His Body
I have had the extreme luck to spend most of my life within walking distance of a Braum’s, a Culver’s, or both. Add to this fortune the consistent presence of a Freddy’s, a Dairy Queen, and several other assorted frozen dessert shops of all kinds, and one comes up with quite a connoisseurship of frozen flavors.
There’s been a bit of a debate right now, what with the World Cup taking over parts of the United States, about whether Culver’s or Braum’s or one of the other franchises is superior to the others. Because I am so well versed in all of these options, and because I am, by most other countries’ standards, considered a fatty, I will chime in with the objectively correct and authoritative conclusion.
First, the top two frozen desserts at any given moment are, generally speaking, Braum’s and Culver’s. Braum’s is simply the superior ice cream over all possible options, and Culver’s is the superior frozen custard over all possible options. I’ve spent several years testing and examining these franchises in my own unique way: for most of my life, I have ordered practically the same item at each of these franchises dozens of times over. The item that I purchase I believe to be the quintessential image of the American dessert: chocolate ice cream/frozen custard/frozen yogurt with M&M’s as the topper. It’s a relatively plain dessert, but it serves as an unintentionally consistent standard by which all restaurants can be measured. I didn’t plan on this little experiment, but after having ordered basically the same thing everywhere I went for 10-plus years, I think this grants me a bit of experimenter’s authority. I have branched out periodically to try other parts of each chain’s menu, but those wilded harks did not change my opinion.
Braum’s is a superior ice cream likely due to the freshness of their dairy products. Braum’s as a company, so the story goes, is restricted from expanding outside of a certain range of their dairy farm, which, if memory serves, is located somewhere in Oklahoma. Because of this, only the southern portions of the Midwest and the American South are blessed to have Braum’s. All Braum’s locations are within one day’s drive of that dairy farm. I’m not the sort of person that usually cares about the word “freshness” in advertising, as nearly all food on every supermarket shelf in the country is as fresh as one could possibly expect food to be, typically having traveled half the globe in less than two days simply to be purchased by the consumer for a measly few dollars, but I will let go of my priors and advocate for the superior freshness of Braum’s. There is simply a taste, a sensation of sorts that underlies all Braum’s dairy products that makes you feel as though you’re eating something delicious yet healthy, even though one knows ice cream is anything but.
Culver’s, meanwhile, is a Wisconsin-based chain. I’m not privy to Culver’s internal organization or supply chain network, but given how far south I’ve seen some of their locations, I can only assume that they are not as consistently fresh as Braum’s is. However, they make up for it. Their frozen custard is smooth as glass and melts significantly quicker than less natural frozen custard would melt. (Not that frozen custard exists in nature.) The smoothest possible sensation on one’s tongue is a properly scooped Culver’s frozen custard. Braum’s ice cream cannot match that, as it contains the natural subtle textures inherent in natural dairy. Freddy’s frozen custard comes close, but Freddy’s is too overly sweet, as if it’s trying to appeal specifically to sugar-overdosed diabetic children.
In terms of the ratio of guaranteed quality to customizability, Braum’s and Dairy Queen take the cake. Braum’s has such an obscenely wide variety of good and great options that you could likely order a different combination of ice cream, topping, and portion every day and have to come in for years at a time without ever finding an unenjoyable treat. If you’re bored of a chocolate milkshake with M&M’s, simply order a candy bar sundae with a chocolate base, M&M’s, and hot fudge, and you’ll have yourself an entirely new thing to enjoy. They seem similar on the surface, but they are characteristically different. There’s simply more of the menu to enjoy at Braum’s.
Dairy Queen, while not as obscenely flexible, is a thoroughly consistent set of creams and toppings, and Dairy Queen tastefully but measuredly branches out into toppings less commonly seen at other chains that still tend to balance well with the orchestra of flavors provided by their base ice cream. Culver’s comes close to the quality of Dairy Queen, but their frozen desserts are just not as flexibly applied as Dairy Queen’s.
Freddy’s, meanwhile, has the mentality of “throw crap at the wall and stick it to the customer.” At Freddy’s, you can order a perfectly kosher mid-quality frozen yogurt, frozen custard, or concrete and top it with something that every God-fearing American would enjoy, such as Oreos. Alternatively, if you have the mind and taste buds of an absolute child, you can put gummy worms on it. For some inexplicable reason, Freddy’s advertises the “dirt and worms,” which, if memory serves, is effectively a vanilla base with crumbled Oreo and several gummy worms thrown inside, as some kind of treat. No one who has actually eaten this dessert or a dessert like this would conclude that it is a present to one’s mouth, as they realize their ice cream is melting, bleeding the subcutaneous flavors of the gummy worm halves all over their otherwise acceptable ice cream. In some sense, it’s a sick joke, and it’s a joke whose flavors will make you sick.
Freddy’s fries are dope as hell, though. Get some Freddy sauce on that? Good stuff.
If I’ve missed a noteworthy chain, please say so in the comments. I refuse to consider the frozen desserts of chains that do not directly position themselves as frozen dessert chains. Lack of dedication will not be met with recognition.
Amiibo Doctor 